Self Insert X
by Lucillia
Summary: The Author ends up with all the powers of Superman. Unfortunately...


"We've got another one." Batman said as he looked up from a monitor on which some sort of alert was being displayed.

"_Great_. I'll just go and break out my lead-lined suit." Superman groused. "If I hear that 'Is every bit of you super?' line one more time..."

**Elsewhere:**

She hadn't known where she was and how she'd gotten there, but suddenly everything had been too bright, too loud, and too much in a way that she couldn't describe. Thank God for Superman movies that explain how Superman could see and hear everything and not go nuts, and a mind that went from A to Watermelon without hitting any stops in-between. She may not have had a mom to focus on while she hid in a closet, but there was a man yakking on a cell phone nearby. Now to figure out how to shut everything else out...

Being in a park she'd never seen before, and having gotten things at least partially under control, she flopped down on a nearby park bench. There was a crunching noise, and suddenly the concrete beneath the now broken bench had a very distinct butt print in it. She stood up and kicked a small pebble which then rocketed off into the wild blue yonder and struck an airplane, creating a job for Superman - who fortunately arrived on the scene two seconds later.

"Great. Juuuust effing great." she grumbled. "Woman of Steel, world of fucking Kleenex."

As she was in the middle of resolving to stand still and not do anything for the foreseeable future, Superman turned back up, this time in front of her.

"You know, they have words for the sort of people who bring down airplanes." Superman said looking at her coldly.

"How the fuck was I supposed to know that was going to happen?! Normally, when you kick a rock, it sails for a couple of feet and goes back down." she snapped, not being too happy about the situation, or with the ease with which she'd brought down an airplane without even meaning to. She'd traveled by air a couple of times, and would've been pretty damn pissed if someone did that to her while she was in the plane. Well, after the shitting herself in absolute terror was done and over with.

Superman apparently wasn't expecting that response if his reaction was any indication.

"I might know a place you can go until you get a handle on your powers." Superman said after a long pause which was probably his brain rebooting and going from Fight Mode to Help People Mode.

"Really? Thanks." she said, actually glad that she could go somewhere where she couldn't break and/or kill things just by touching them.

"Have you figured out how to fly yet?" Superman asked.

If he was asking her that a scant few whatevers since she arrived, there was apparently a rather sharp Kryptonian learning curve and she was a bit on the slow end of it.

"No." she replied.

Superman sighed, picked her up, and threw her over his shoulder.

"Funny." he said as he took off.

"What?" she asked.

"You haven't once tried to look through my clothes." he said.

"Naked people look funny." she replied. "It's all I can do not to laugh during, well, you know."

"Besides," she continued. "It's not like the spandex leaves much to the imagination."

**Later:**

"So, what did we get?" the Flash asked. "Another power mad megalomaniac that needs to be put down if it isn't already, or another would-be hero who makes a mess of things and causes us yet even more headaches?"

"Neither." Superman replied as he took a gulp from his coffee which had been liberally laced with something called Ogden's Firewhiskey which had washed up from another universe. A universe he was damn glad he didn't live in considering the whole capable of being affected by magic thing. If he'd lived there he'd be dodging curses, hexes, and potions so often that he'd have been a paranoid wreck by the time he was thirty-five.

"WHAT?!" everyone in the room collectively yelled.

**Elsewhere:**

"FUCK!" she yelled as yet another knitting needle snapped like it was a tiny twig rather than a piece of metal.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" she screamed as she threw the knitting needle on top of a pile of broken crochet hooks and knitting needles.

**Because, contrary to all the various forms of fiction about people suddenly getting superpowers and almost immediately either becoming semi-competent heroes or going completely power mad and destroying everything around them until they're brought down, if I ever got superpowers, I see myself as still being me, but with superpowers...I mean, it's not like suddenly gaining superspeed or superhearing or the entire package would suddenly completely change my whole psychological makeup and my entire outlook on life. Right? Right?**


End file.
